Worst. List. Ever

My buddy Joe sent me Letterman’s Top Ten List in honor of Tax Day. Normally, I am a big fan of Letterman’s Top Tens, but I have to say this one was not funny at all. Not by a long shot!

Top Ten Reasons I Love Being An Accountant

10. CPA training ensures I’m cool in high-pressure situations, like calculating the tip at Applebee’s.

One of my biggest pet peeves about being an accountant is that people seem to think I’m a human calculator! What kind of moron needs an accountant to calculate the tip? If you can’t figure it out yourself, then keep your sorry ass at home, Mr. I-am-too-stupid-to-calculate-15%.

9. While other poor losers go off to work in jeans and sneakers, I get to wear a suit.

I’ve shown up at work wearing jeans and sneakers many many times! And so have a lot of accountants I’ve worked with over the years! Hell, on a good day, I’d even wear flip flops!

8. You haven’t lived until you’ve filled out form 3277.

There is no Form 3277!!! That doesn’t even make sense! If they said, “You haven’t lived until you’ve filled out Form 990,” now that’s funny!

7. What can I say I’m an adrenaline junkie.

ADRENALINE?!????? You call a shitload of stress adrenaline?!? What the fuck’s the matter with you?!?

6. I’m on such good terms with the IRS, I haven’t paid taxes since ’89.

Oh lawd, this was so funny I forgot to pay my taxes!

It is your duty to pay your taxes to keep this country running. It may not be running well, but it’s running! And if you don’t pay it, somebody else will have to, and that’s just not cool, man.

5. I like to lick the envelopes.

Does Letterman even know any accountants?!?

4. Like the president, I only work one month a year.

I work my ass off all year-round, jackass!!

3. After April 15th, I spend the year eating Pringles and watching rasslin’.

Okay, well, he’s half right, I do love me some Pringles.

2. Women don’t expect much in the bedroom.

I will not have my reputation sullied based on my daytime job! If anyone even dares to imply I’m boring in bed, let him come to me right now and I will gladly prove them wrong!

Damn it! We are not uptight, laced up, boring individuals! I get so annoyed with people who make that assumption. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten, “Oh, you don’t look like an accountant!” What is that supposed to mean?!? Are you paying me a compliment or insulting me?

Gosh!!

1. I fudge a couple of numbers and the next thing you know they’re hauling Letterman’s ass off to prison.

Well, it’s true, never underestimate what your accountant can do to you. But it’s just not funny. Who wrote this list? An accountant?

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~ by Binibining Beth on April 20, 2006.

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