You can’t hurry love

I walked into the Hoboken bar with Nina and knew right away that I was going to have a lot of fun that night. I was a little worried at how empty the bar looked, but at that point I was determined to have fun regardless of the turn-out. While Nina bought the first round of drinks, she befriended a couple of female speed-daters. We registered, got our name-cards and score cards, then picked a corner of the bar to chit chat.

Turns out one of the girls we met was a speed-dating pro……among other things. What can I say about LaFawnduh*? She wouldn’t shut up! It was hard to get a word in edgewise, but at least what she’s babbling about is funny.

The other girl, Deb, was more my style, friendly, funny and not so outspoken. So the four of us got into finding out about each other when our hostess told us to find a chair, a couch, a bar stool, whatever, to sit on so that we could start the event.

The guys were instructed to find a seat next to a girl and jot down their names and corresponding number on the “score card” they handed out. At the end of four minutes, our peppy hostess will blow her whistle to signal the end of one date and the beginning of the next one. In between meeting people, we’re supposed to choose between “Y” or “N” for the last person we just met. Y meant, “shall we shag now or shag later?” And N meant, “tough shit, buddy!” When we go home at the end of the night, we’re supposed to log in our yes’s and no’s on their website, to see if you matched anyone.

And with a shrill blow of her whistle, our dates started!

Date #1 – Don

Asian, friendly looking, seems very cheerful. I like him, he seems like a fun friend to hang out with. He’s into movies, he quoted the Big Lebowski…I’m impressed. He’s into bowling, nice! He’s…..*gasp!* A Mets fan!!

NEXT!!!

Date #2 – Pedro

Naaaahh….looks very young, and very skinny. Oh, great, he’s an actor, that means he’s unstable. Huh? You got your own off-Broadway show??? No freaking way! That’s so cool! Wait….is he gay? No, he can’t be. I can’t tell! Oh, but it’s a comedy show! That means he’s got a great sense of humor! Holy cow, I am liking this dude! Oh, yeah, Beth, tell him how boring your job is…..what’re you doing…stop talking about taxes! Oh, great, just great, our time’s up. Bye, Pedro! Let me see, that’s a great big YES!! Now who’s next?Date #3 – Nathan

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz….huh? Huh?? Did you say something? Oh, will you look at that, time’s up. NEXT!!

Date #4 – Rico

Hey……HEY!!! You are sitting too close buddy! Skoosh back to your side of the couch. And are you kidding me? You’re actually trying to cop a feel, aren’t ya?!? What do you think this is? A REAL first date??Oh, my gawd, woman, blow the damn whistle already!!

Date #5 – Napoleon

Bald, white guy. Seems very nice, very funny, good conversation, doesn’t seem too cheesy, can actually speak some Tagalog. Wow. I think we got a winner here. Oh! And he’s a movie buff too! Oh, oh! And he’s quoting my favorite movie!!WTF?!? The line in the movie is….”Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.” NOT ANTONIO, you duffus! What kind of movie buff are you, you can’t even get the most famous line in the movie straight?!? Gosh!!That’s okay, breathe in…breathe out. Yeah, he’s still smiling, you’re still smiling. He’s still very impressive, and he said you were maganda! Awww, shucks! Why am I such a sucker for guys who call me that?!? That’s a YES to you, you lucky bastard.

Date #6 – Lyle

Hmm…where have I seen this creep before? OH MY GOD!!! He’s the creepy crossing guard at my school!! In the name of all that’s Holy, please, stop coming onto me!!!

Oh, whew, thank God, it’s over. We get a break. I need a drink!

At this juncture, I regroup with Nina and my new friends. Nothing brings you closer to other women than sharing bad-date stories….and all of us have just been through some pretty bad ones, with still 6 more to go. We make a dash for the bar and quickly order the hardest, cheapest liquor they have. As I listened to the other girls complain about their dates, I began to see how overly-judgemental we all were. I mean, look at how shallow my above comments were! It’s not like we’re prize catches here, either. I’m sure some of the guys weren’t all that pleased with me either, so who am I to belittle them? And with that, I started to feel the bug up my ass die, and I decided, to hell with it! I am going back there and I am going to enjoy each date, I don’t care how bad it is!

After a few more minutes, our hostess blew her annoying little whistle and our dates began again.

Date #7 – Rex

A tax attorney, eh? I’m sorry, what did you just say? For a minute there I thought you said YOU could prepare taxes better than me. *scoffs* Oh, you were serious.Well, aren’t you high and mighty for a short Asian! NEXT!

So much for not being judgemental!

Date #8 – Lance

Um, I didn’t even bother to write any notes for this guy. He was THAT forgettable.

Date #9 – Kip

I felt really sorry for this guy. He felt so out of place, and he looked so uncomfortable. He’s the only Indian in a social gathering dominated by the white devil. Poor Kip Nahasapeemapetilon is thrown into a social gathering in yuppie Hoboken, no wonder he looked like a scared rabbit.

I tried my hardest to make him feel more comfortable, to make him laugh, to make him talk some more…and for that I was rewarded with a small laugh.

Alleluia!!

I’m sorry, but I had to give myself props for that feat!

Date #10 – Randy

Ooookay, Randy, you just spent 30 seconds shifting in your seat, and in that 30 seconds you managed to break the cleavage rule already! I mean, gosh, I’m really sorry that my boobs weren’t falling out of my blouse, but for the love of Pete, if you’re going to undress me with your eyes, buy me a fucking drink first!!

Date #11 – Sheldon

B-O-R-I-N-G!!!!!

Date #12 – Vern

I’ve over here buddy. Yeah, I’m not sitting across the bar, I’m sitting to your right. You wanna try making that eye contact they taught you at that special school? There you go! Good boy! Now what do you jerkwads do for a living?

Oh c’mon! I know I’m your last date for the night and you just went through 13 horrible dates, but at least pretend to be interested and stop looking at your damn watch!!!

Jackass!

And with that last parting shot, our dates ended for the night! I ran across the bar to Nina and the other girls who were already busy swapping phone numbers. If that isn’t an indication of how bad the dates were, that women were swapping digits, not guys, I don’t know what is!

It didn’t help that the women outnumbered the men, that for 2 rounds, every woman had to sit by themselves and watch the others crash and burn. But I took advantage of that time to go over my scorecard and wondered how Napoleon and Pedro were doing. Good, they looked bored with their dates. Good, good for me.

When we were all able to grab our coats, we rushed out of the bar and parted ways with promises to keep in touch with the other girls. As soon as I got home, I logged into the website and entered my scores. Then waited for my “mutual matches,” the ones I said “Yes” to who also said “Yes” to me.

Friday evening, I got my results.

Out of 12 guys, I said Yes to only 2, Napoleon and Pedro. Four guys said Yes to me: Don, Vern, Lyle and Pedro!! Pedro said Yes! Whoohoo!

I know it sounds like I had a bad evening, but in all seriousness, I had a great time! With the right combination of boredom, desperation and insanity, I might be persuaded to do this again!

But until then, I am sticking to the old fashioned way of finding a good man. Anyone care to see my profile on Match.com?

*In the interest of protecting their privacy, I have replaced everyone’s name (except for Nina) with characters from one of the awesomest movies of 2004. Big brownie points to the first person who can guess what movie I picked!

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~ by Binibining Beth on February 27, 2006.

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