Life is good

Three little words I dread the most. I don’t like to say it, or to even think it. It’s just like when someone says, “It should be smooth sailing from here on.” You know the moment those words are uttered something terrible’s going to happen.

It’s not so much that I think it’s a jinx. It’s more like believing that fate is cruel. She’s out there waiting for me to get settled in and actually be happy before she decides to throw me for a loop.

Happiness scares me. You ever ask yourself when things go really well in your life, “This is great! What have I done to deserve this?” And you’re afraid the answer is, “Oh holy crap, that happiness was supposed to be for another Beth…..not this blogging idiot Beth! Shoot!”

I guess I’m afraid of it because I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to deserve it. And happiness isn’t just given away, oh no, you have to work for it and earn it. It just feels like any amount of good I do is negated by the tremendous amount of bad I inflict on myself and on others. I have been extremely lucky and blessed with a lot of things in my life and it frightens me to no end that someone’s going to figure out I don’t deserve them and take them all away from me.

I keep thinking about how nice my weekend was, and I’m just so psychologically fucked up that I’m afraid to face the world out there and see what sort of trap they’ve set for me.

“Foolish Beth, thinking she can be happy! We’ll see about that! Bwa hahahaha!”

I much prefer to believe in a quote from my all-time favorite movie: Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

I’m much more content when I’m cynical. Life is okay this way.


~ by Binibining Beth on June 7, 2005.

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